Tag: personal

Focus

My brain is currently doing that thing where it’s either flitting from one idea to the next without actively settling on any one thing (”hey, make a new Sith warrior!” “hey, we should play Fallout: New Vegas again!” “hey, why don’t you give Jedi consular another try?” “hey, let’s start watching Sens8!”) or I start doing something and am immediately disinterested, not because I have another, better idea, but simply because I just suddenly don’t wanna anymore. I thought maybe doing some Whumptober or Fictober prompts would help with that, and then I thought maybe I could knuckle down and work on chapters from my current WIPs, and then I thought screw it, I’ll start a new fic … but none of this is going anywhere because I have zero focus right now. I have all these ideas and things I want to work on but none of them hold my attention for more than a couple of minutes, and I’m constantly tired but somehow incapable of napping because the instant I go to lay down I immediately get another idea or the urge to do something.

Intellectually I know that this is the result of depression/anxiety and that it will pass on its own, but while I’m stuck in this goldfish-brained hell I hate how it feels and how I feel and wish I could just freaking FOCUS.

I just had my ultrasound results come back and it looks like I have kidney stones in both kidneys, so I’ll just be over here crying if anyone’s looking for me.

(On the plus side: I live in Canada, so my family isn’t going to be bankrupted because of my medical issues. Hooray for that much, at least.)

I hate how quickly my brain can switch from good to bad. I was having a good day; I put out two chapters yesterday and I was making serious progress (with lots of ideas for future stuff) on multiple other ones today and everything was going well.

Then bam! My partner texts me to say he has a flat tire, and he’s upset because we’re strapped for cash and we can’t really afford this but he works out of town so it’s not like we can afford NOT to fix it because he’ll have no way to get to work. And then I get not one, but two different people messaging me to tell me that I’m asking way too much for my writing commissions (I mean, who do I think I am? George R.R. Martin?) and would I consider writing for less because they love my stuff but god no one’s gonna pay what I’m asking …

And it’s just like, fuck it, what’s the point? I just want to make money doing this thing I love, but that’s going nowhere and while I’ve got other skills they’re not in high demand (well, it’s more like there’s more supply than demand where I live) and I can’t afford to go back to school for retraining so … fuck it. Just seriously, fuck it, fuck this, and fuck this stupid depression/anxiety that makes everything so much harder than it needs to be.

Birthday … Meh?

My birthday is coming up (August 12th), and I am … really having a hard time with this. It’s a milestone birthday and while my last major milestone didn’t seem like such a big deal, this time around it … it really does. I know part of it is that for my 30th it wasn’t a big deal because I actually got married a few days before (so all my pre-birthday anxiety went into worrying about the wedding instead) and because at the time the majority of my friends were older than me, so they’d already gone and had their thirtieth birthdays. This time around we’re celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary and the vast majority of my friends, both in real life and online, are younger than me. Much, much younger. And so realizing that I’m turning 40 just makes me feel so very, very old. (Despite knowing perfectly well that it’s not old, at all.)

I want people to make a big deal over my birthday, but at the same time I know I’ll be horribly embarrassed by the fuss and by being the centre of attention. I don’t want people to make a big deal over the age milestone, but that’s what my friends and family are focusing on, because milestone birthdays are fun (I guess?). I don’t want to be responsible for planning anything for myself because it’s my birthday and planning for it feels like work and I shouldn’t have to do the work for my own party. I don’t want anyone else to plan things for me because in my past experiences with such things that results in a loss of agency for me (oh, you had plans for that day? well, too bad, we’re having your bridal shower then, you’ll have to cancel those other plans and be grateful that we’re having this big party for you). I recognize that those are two mutually exclusive wants and that I can’t have both things, and so I feel guilty for being selfish and complicated. It makes me feel like I am too much bother, emotionally and logistically, for people to deal with.

I want to be able to talk about this to the people in my real life, but I’m struggling to find a way to express myself that doesn’t sound both selfish and childish. I kind of want my birthday to just come and go without fanfare, except that I know if it does I’ll be horribly let down. (I know that that won’t happen; my partner already has plans that take most of my concerns into consideration. I’m fine with it just being the two of us.)

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just needed to vent.

One thing I’m having to continuously remind myself, as I update my Dragon Age fanfic, is how vastly different the fan communities are between DA and Star Wars: The Old Republic (and Fallout, too, I guess). From the moment I started posting a SWTOR fanfic I received comments from my readers, most of them incredibly supportive and just … y’know … so, so thrilled that I was writing. With Dragon Age … I dunno, I guess there’s just a very different mentality. SWTOR is a pretty tiny community, but it’s also been so amazingly supportive. DA is huge, there are tons of stories coming out or being updated every day, and I kind of feel like I’m lost in the mire there. Fewer comments, fewer kudos (but the overall comments to kudos ratio is very different between SWTOR and DA; as a whole it seems like people in DA are less likely to comment), definitely less support (not because the Dragon Age community isn’t supportive, I don’t think, but simply because there’s just too much, so my little contribution doesn’t count for much).

This isn’t a complaint, really, nor is it me saying one fandom is better than the other. They’re just different, and having come from the warm accolades of SWTOR, DA takes some getting used to. The lack of feedback (because I am a praise-starved and needy thing) makes it harder to find my motivation, even though I have a story that’s clamoring to be told. It’s just like, ugh, who cares if I update this?

Hey, I’m Not Dead.

Like it says on the tin, I’m not dead, and I’m sorry for my lengthy radio silence. I’ve got a bunch of people I need to write back to (not just on Tumblr, either *sigh*) and a bunch of things I need to do, but I’m here and I’m working on it. Sorry.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression-related crap right now, combined with a bunch of things that aggravate those conditions (health problems, family problems, financial problems, you know, the usual). I’ve also been trying to get started with this whole “erotica” writing thing, which I of course keep over-thinking. (I’m honestly just trying to figure out how to say “hey, if you give me money I’ll write whatever deviant crap you want,” without … you know, SAYING THAT.)

I have been working on some new fanfiction, so … yay, I guess? It’s in the Dragon Age fandom, though, so I’m not sure how thrilled my regular readers will be and frankly I’m a bit terrified about the Dragon Age fandom because holy shit, there are a LOT of them and they’re very, very vocal. But I’m hoping to have the first chapter posted later today.

Anyway, yeah, that’s about it. Not dead. Working on depression/anxiety. Got some stuff to publish. Go me. 🙂

Thanks for being patient, folks.

Nothing like seeing the “New Comment on [Insert Fanfic You Wrote Here]” message only to discover it’s from someone who hates your story (but at least has the courtesy to use their name rather than hide behind an anonymous tag) and feels the need to call you out on it.

What a lovely thing to wake up to. I woke up with a desire to write and just like that, poof! it’s gone.

I really hate my stupid brain sometimes. I mean, I love my brain – I’m smart and creative, and I would hate to lose that – but man, why does my brain have to be such an asshole to me? I started out today in a good mood: the weather’s pretty (first real snowfall of the year, everything is crisp and clean and sunny), I completed and posted a new chapter, I’m looking forward to the weekend … And then one dumbass comment from a stranger has me upset and needing validation. Good mood obliterated, and now I’m questioning everything: my skills, my creativity, the direction I’m taking my fanfic in, or even whether or not I want to continue it.

Fuck that guy, and fuck my stupid brain, too.

Ah, yes, once again I’m playing my favourite game of “When was the last time I took painkillers?” which frequently devolves into my second favourite game of “Screw it, I didn’t need my liver anyway” as I end up taking more because I’m still in pain.